Yesterday I received an email invitation to participate in a free call to find the true purpose of my life.  The class promises that we will discover how to align everything we do and learn how to fulfill our true purpose now.  WOW!  Not just my purpose but my true purpose.  In one call.

I am grateful that today I know my purpose and for today it feels true.  I am here to love and to serve.  I help survivors of trauma, child sexual abuse and incest heal and become empowered to live their lives to the fullest.  Some days the only survivor I help is me.  Some days even doing that is like swimming through a thick forest of seaweed, trying not to panic that my ankles will become entangled.

This morning I woke up from one of those dreams that threw me off kilter.  You know what I mean?  When you wake up with a feeling of disharmony?  As I remember the dream, I see myself in full Brooklynese – “Don’t you know who I am, Mutha FU*KER?” attitude, admonishing my husband because he was wrong about something.  I was then informed by someone wiser that, in fact, I was wrong.  My head snapped back in disbelief and horror!  My indignant, self-satisfied attitude deflated. 

I woke up a bit embarrassed and irritated.  Is it possible that I am wrong again?  Oh, yes.  But I live with purpose!   Doesn't that mean I am followed by angels lighting the path before me?  While I know this is only a dream, I did have a bad attitude with my husband yesterday.  I did lose track of my keys and my computer is crashing.  My dog training skills suck.  I do flail about quite often, like Julia Louis-Dreyfus' Elaine in the Seinfeld episode where she dances her heart out to everyone’s horror.  Listening to another dimension of rhythm and grace. Luckily, living well doesn’t have to be graceful. 

As I get out of bed, I remember my little Gatha – “I wake up with a smile on my face. (SMILE) Another 24 hours before me.  I vow to be kind, considerate and loving to all beings I meet, including myself.”  OK, box checked.  That did help me to get back to who I am and what that might mean today.

Where am I going to spend my time and energy today?  How do I integrate creativity, love and service into my mind, body and soul to actually get something done today and I am feeling like crap?

My morning ritual is something I made a commitment to on another day when I was tired of wasting my time with old negative thoughts and patterns of behavior.  Tired of suffering at my own hand.

I go to three 12-step meetings every week.  I made that commitment on another day when I was tired of wasting my time obsessing about food and weight and unable to stop eating sugar addictively. Again, suffering at my own hand.

I am committed to using self-coaching tools to investigate what is going on inside my brain today.   Another commitment made on another day and again, not accepting that suffering is required.

Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. Many wise people have said that.

So today, while I grasp for air by doing my daily rituals, I am not losing hope.  Being disconnected and discombobulated now and again is expected.  I plan for it.  Because at another time of grace and holiness I stopped to look at my heart’s desire and set up a track to move on.  Those small daily actions that have a BIG IMPACT.

The path is not linear.  It is like riding a horse (never done it well) or surfing the waves (only imagined it).  All I know is that I get knocked off course over and over and over and it is the getting back up again and again and again, that makes all the difference.

Have you taken the time to discover your purpose? Do you have practices to get there?  What gets in your way and are you ready for it?