Superpowers! More on difficult emotions

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Superpowers! More on difficult emotions

Recently a friend said that after not using her drug of choice (sugar) she felt like her emotions were bigger than her body.  I remember being in my first 12-step meeting for co-dependency when my own sense of the emotion of shame felt like it exploded out of my chest and rendered me a blubbering idiot.  To my horror, I couldn’t hold my emotions in any longer.  My fear was exposed.  I actually didn’t even realize it was a fear.  My cover was blown; I was a phony; a weakling who pretended to be strong and competent but was now revealed as a puny, fear-filled imposter.  My body started tingling all over, my face was hot and red and the tears overflowed from my eyes as I blurrily stared at the blue carpet, set in squares splattered with red fiber and my tears.  That was the beginning of a new life for me.  Facing my vulnerability and recognizing that I had this huge ball of shame inside my body because I needed love.  Shame on me that I wanted a life partner and that I was willing to tolerate so little; and when even that tiny amount of attention was withdrawn I succumbed to pretending that it didn’t matter.  What a heavy burden – exhausting in body, sterile in mind.  I believed that I 1) didn’t deserve love; 2) didn’t deserve to feel bad if I were hurting; 3) should expect hurt in all love relationships.

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Unhooked: Riding out difficult emotions.

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Unhooked: Riding out difficult emotions.

I am learning that I am unkind to myself when difficult feelings arise.  I turn away from myself, pretending I am okay.  Imagine if you walked up to me and I turned my back on you and pretended you were not there.  Not very kind.  When I can’t put a finger on the cause of my discomfort, I find my finger pointing at you.  Your unhappiness makes me uncomfortable.  If you could just be happy, all would be well.  When I STOP EVERYTHING and gaze inward I have a chance to unpack a mess in the making.  I separate my feelings – sensations in my body -- and write down my thoughts.  When you are unhappy, I am afraid that if I make the wrong move you will turn your critical eye towards me. 

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Singing with the Sirens. Overcoming the long-term effects of childhood sexual exploitation. Ellyn Roberts Bell & Stacey Ault Bell

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Singing with the Sirens. Overcoming the long-term effects of childhood sexual exploitation. Ellyn Roberts Bell & Stacey Ault Bell

How do I write about a book that exposed my sadness and shame – named my sorrow and repeatedly reminds me that I have worth?  I dove into the depths of darkness and returned with parts of my lost self.  I am still on a healing journey that started when I was about 25; it has taken longer than I ever could have imagined.  We live during an exciting era when science is showing us that we have many more opportunities to understand and to change our brains.  The book reminds me that it doesn’t matter how long it takes; it is possible – it is real -- and it is worth it.
 

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Awareness is everything (or how stinkin’ thinkin’ took me down).

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Awareness is everything (or how stinkin’ thinkin’ took me down).

What was my first moment of awareness?  Was it in the womb or in the room at Methodist Hospital on 7th Avenue in Park Slope?  One of the most important tools I have come to live by is Awareness.  I have to admit that memory is not my strong suite.  Ask my husband who advises me as I am looking everywhere for my keys on any morning, or my phone on another.  I am late as usual because I cannot remember.  In the moment of awareness when I realize I haven’t a clue as to where my keys are or where I last put my phone; I am grateful for awareness.  As the battle of thoughts in my head continues -– “where the _ _ _ _K did I put them?” “Why do I do this over and over again?"

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Are you my mother?*

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Are you my mother?*

I am learning to mother myself.  Why mother?  Why not be-friend, or father, or pastor, or entertain?  Mother is: nurture, good, acceptance, pride, God-like, open, supportive, unconditional loving, teaching, preparing.  The infant cries and the mother picks her up and by just holding her, creates calm.  The baby cries and the mother coos, ahhhs, comforts, feeds, cleans, plays and smiles.  With eyes of love and curiosity, they peer into each other creating attachment, safety and ecstatic joy.  Who wouldn’t want a little of that for their growing self, at any age?

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Radical Gestures of Kindness

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Radical Gestures of Kindness

Lately I have been exploring what it really means to express self-love.  I really love the idea of kindness being a radical act.  Radical: relating to or affecting the fundamental nature of something – far reaching. Fundamental, thorough or complete reform; supporting an extreme point of view.

One of the fundamental effects of childhood abuse is a deep questioning of one’s worth.  Children are 100% vulnerable.  Experience is the teacher.  The receptors of sight, smell, sound, touch and energy communicate and as we grow and learn language, we form into our little selves. 

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The Poppy Girl and the mysteries of the mind

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The Poppy Girl and the mysteries of the mind

My friend and artist, Leina Wann created a fabric art piece, entitled The Poppy Girl.* When I first saw her, she took my breath away.  First, because I saw a powerful, bold image and second because it is so different from Leina’s more recent pieces of art.  (Check out her work here.)  

I took a breath at that first look, and a sadness came over me.  I saw a lonely little girl facing an unknown world all by herself.  It reminded of my friend who came here from Taiwan with her sister when she was 15.  Her loving mother died and her father left to make a life in America.

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“Inside Out” – The value and perils of Sadness

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“Inside Out” – The value and perils of Sadness

I was so excited to finally see the new Disney-Pixar film, Inside Out.  I loved the concept as it was revealed in the promos, and the cast couldn’t be beat.  I was like a little kid entering the theater, getting my 3D glasses on, selecting my bottle of water, and finding a good seat.  As a reminder for you film buffs: Joy is voiced by Amy Poehler, Anger by Lewis Black, Fear by Bill Hader, Disgust by Mindy Kaling and Sadness by Phyllis Smith.

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Love Yourself — Inside Out

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Love Yourself — Inside Out

Amy Poehler has an upcoming new movie, Inside Out.  Anything Amy Poehler does is cause for celebration in my mind.  In this animated film she voices Joy, one of the emotions living inside the head of Riley, a young girl who moves to San Francisco with her family.  The story personifies Riley’s emotions and chaos and comedy ensue.  We are assured that all will be well and Riley and her family will learn something by the end of the film; this is a Disney movie, after all.

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